lundi 9 août 2010

1 month left to live

I am now writing this letter because within a month I will be leaving the mid-30s to slowly, but surely, go boldly to the 40s.

Looking back at the first 35 years of my life, I might have some regrets in regards of some decisions that I have made that just delayed me from landing the happiness that I wanted soo bad.

In the first tens, I was automatically labeled as a reject by kids at school, mostly because I have let it happened. I remember that at grade 4, my parents decided to move to a different city and for me, since I was shy, moving meant starting all over again. So there I was in the new school, trying to make my way between wedgies and bullies and the eternal lonesome comfort of being locked in your own locker.

My only comfort was to know that at the end of school I would find the wonderful Diane, the beautiful angel who was taking care of the kids at the after school kindergarden. My parents, had security issues. OH Diane, how well you drew faces of the kids attending, how wonderful were your crafts, I remember looking dreamily at you while you were singing a song to the younger kids. I wanted to be your favorite and for that I was cleaning and picking up after others. You smiled at me, thanking me for my efforts. Gave me apples in the fall, treats at christmas and chocolate at easter.

I remember when you put movies on for us and Id sit next to you resting my head on your shoulder, you smelled of raspberries, ahhhhh *sigh* things were going great.

But then One day, you had to ruin this perfect relationship by telling us that you would be away the next month since you were getting married.

My world came crashing down, I cried, i questionned myself, what did I do wrong? What can I do? YES!! PRECIOUS!!! What can i...we...we do? but then it was too late, you were off getting married and then aftert that you never came back.... *intro of bach & bottine piano piece*.....

Then in the teen years, it was even worse. First off, my parents sent me to a private school. Where no later than 2 weeks, I was labeled as one of the losers of the grade. That went on for 5 years. Everyday, I was picked on, beaten up, insulted verbally. Some of the girls took my by pity, The last year was better since a lot of those girls took time to really know the real me and they discovered that I had a lot of imagination and interesting stories to tell.

When I graduated I told myself, never again. So i joined improv, started dressing looser, and took parts in drugs and alcohol. this went on till the mid twentys.

Travelled the whole country on foot, had sex in almost all provinces, lying and cheating my way through. Made friends, enemies, one night stands, broke hearts and noses.

Until I met her, I was 25, I was living in Montreal, she was from Moncton, NB. She had all I needed in the opposite sex. She made me laugh, she was interesting, she never saw Montreal the way I saw it, so i showed her the interesting places of Montreal, some know, some less known. Ah Diane, I was having so much fun with her, long talks, making sure i got to work early so that I could talk with her.

Her beautiful green eyes, mesmerized me. But then one day she was gone, she needed to go back to Moncton because of her fathers condition. Once again my world was shattered, broken, I didn't know what to do anymore. People asked me how I was doing KNOWING that there was chemistry between the two of us but nothing really happened at the time.

A year and a half later, she calls me, I couldn't believe that she had found me. I was so happy to hear from her until she tells me that shes calling me to invite me to her wedding...

- WHAT? I have to do something.

I accepted the invitation and planned my move. I was going to go and declare my love to her. BUT a month before the wedding she calls me sobbing and with sadness in her voice telling me that the wedding was off.

Later on, after a lot of cheering up over the phone and talking, (3months) I declared my passion for her. She did too. A year later I moved to Moncton in the maritimes. I'm 27, got married at 28.

Got my first born at 31. Now a new challenge lies before us. My son is autistic, on the lowest level, looks like I will spend the second half of my life, trying to get my son to :

1- experience school just like any other child and
2- Making sure he doesnt experience the same abuse that I got when I was a kid.

All that, while taking pills for my back, checking my cholesterol level and wearing a lot of sun screen.

Oh yeah bring it!!

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